30+ Tips On How to Have a Threesome - A Beginner Friendly Guide

Two womand and one man in the shower

 

You’ve been curious about threesomes but had no clue how to go about it.

 

Well…

 

Welcome to a very large club.

 

Speaking as someone who’s made the leap into threesome sex (more than once), let me pass on what I (and many other people) have learned, so you can turn this very common fantasy into a reality.

 

 

FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU'RE WORKING WITH


 

Finding a suitable play partner boils down to a few things...

 

Your relationship status, the relationship's dynamic, and sexual orientation.

 

1. If you’re single, it’s a lot easier because you don’t have to have the “can we try one?” conversation. And couples are always on the lookout for a third participant.

 

2. If you’re in a more liberal-minded relationship, it will probably be easier to broach the subject with your man/woman and get the ball rolling.

 

3. If things are more vanilla, traditional, or yet-to-be-experimental, you’re going to need to have a long, honest, and supportive conversation with your partner (read more on that later).

 

 

KNOW WHERE TO LOOK


 

There are SO many places to look for play partners - keep in mind, that doesn't mean it will be easy to GET one (finding someone you're mutually attracted to is REALLY hard and will take a while).

 

How to have a threesome, a man in bed, two pairs of female legs sticking out from covers MUNCHES – These are non-kinky gatherings of kinky people to network and meet new friends. Lots of possibilities. However, DO NOT try to set up a pillow-date on your first time there.

 

SWINGER GROUPS – These might not be solely focused on threesomes, but you might meet people who are interested.

 

YOUR SOCIAL CIRCLE – This does NOT mean best friends or close friends (that’s just asking for trouble), rather a friend of a friend in your pool of acquaintances might be an option.

 

CRAIG'S LIST – You’ll find anything and every here, but it’s riddled with many weirdos, scams, and unknowns - best left for when you have more experience.

 

FETLIFE - While some articles say you shouldn't look for people online, FETLIFE is designed for kinky people of all spectrums. There will be entire groups dedicated to threesomes. Don't use this to find a parther, rather as a tool for munches and other related groups where you can meet people.

 

BARS/CLUBS - It might seem a bit cliche, but you can't deny that these are places filled with sexually charged people. It won't be as easy, but it's an option.

 

APPS – There are so many out there, full of people seeking sexual encounters. 

 

Need Suggestions for Sex-Finder Apps? Check this out:

 25 Hook Up Apps to Cut Through the Sexual Redtape 

 

 

A NOTE ON SAFETY


 

Joining munches or other such (legit/legal) parties is a great way to meet people.

 

HOWEVER...

 

Make sure you’re never alone with someone you just met.

 

Email, text, and/or call them a couple times first. Talk, work out details etc. Then meet for a coffee (no play time). After that, then you can decide if they’re right to include in your hanky-panky escapades.

 

 

COMMUNICATE ... A LOT


 

If you’re in a relationship, you’ll need to bring it up in conversation.

 

How you do it depends on your partner.

 

It could be as simple as, “How do you feel about threesomes?” all the way to months of testing the waters and slowly building up the concept in a non-threatening way until it’s a hot idea (I would start with something like, “If you were a guy/girl, what would you think of that guy/girl?”)

 

But...

 

If there seem to be any red lights with jealousy, anger, or unfairness, it's a signal there needs to be more communication and the threesome might not be a good idea at the moment.

 

And when I say unfairness, I mean things like, “My boyfriend says it’s okay to play with another girl, but he’ll get super jealous if it was with another guy.”

 

That, or anything along the lines of one person acting more like a sexual “taker” with little to no respect for what the other person wants. 

 

Those kinds of behaviors are bad signs. 

 

Communication should be open, honest yet careful, caring, and non-pressuring.

 

SIDE NOTE: You'll also need to decide if the three of you want it to be completely private (and no one else knowing, even in casual conversation).

 

 

SET GROUND RULES & OTHER STIPULATIONS


 

Two men kissing one woman

 

When you and your partner are both 100% okay with the idea, next you discuss what ground rules would make you both comfortable.

 

  • What will you allow to do?
  • What are you not allowed to do?
  • Can they kiss them?
  • Can they go down on them?
  • Hotel or at home?
  • Are show tunes allowed?

 

Decided these things ahead of time, so there are no issues later.

 

Plus,

 

If you’re a couple bringing in another person, it’s also a good idea to have a subtle safety word/phrase.

 

The best one I’ve heard is “I have to get a drink of water” – it’s clear but doesn’t throw off the entire mood of the evening. The other person can excuse themselves for a minute and go check on the problem.

 

Also,

 

You’ll need to decide what happens after. Will people immediately leave? Will there be cuddling? Will people share the same bed for a sleepover? Is there a Lord of the Rings marathon after? (invite me to that one btw).

 

Considerations should also go both ways. Remember, your guest isn't a sex object, they're a person. Discuss with them what they are looking for etc.

 

 

GETTING THINGS STARTED


 

People freak out more about “starting” a threesome than actually having one.

 

THE BIGGEST PIECE OF ADVICE?

 

Don’t over think or over plan it.

​​​​

  • Just chat and joke
  • Put on some music or mood lighting
  • Give a sexy massage
  • Watch some porn
  • Have a drink to calm things down (but just one, you don't want to be drunk and possibly sick)

 

Let things organically unfold, not proceed like a battle plan.

 

 

FINDING THE RIGHT POSITIONS


Threesome, illustration of two women and one man

 

How and where you put things shouldn’t be "planned" either.

 

You all have hands, mouths, and other appendages to work with. 

 

FOR EXAMPLE: If one person is on their back, another could be straddling the face while the other performs oral sex or penetrates/rides.

 

  • Change things up, don't stay in one position too long
  • Don't pair off and leave one person left out...
  • But watching for a little is okay too
  • "Conserve" your energy, it's not a sprint

 

TIP FOR THE ADVENTUROUS: Sex toys are great to use during a threesome, especially if you need a break from physical exertion. However, since STIs are always a worry, I would recommend a MAGIC WAND with a silicone attachment you can change out if you use it on a different person.

 

My sex toy recommendation? Cordless, smaller, and strong:

Domi - A Mini Wand With POWER!

 

 

MIND THE "AFTERCARE"


 

It's not necessarily BDSM, but it's still important - especially if you are in a relationship.

 

The next day (or whenever they are ready), talk about what happened.

 

Comfort, confide, and care for them.

 

 

There might be some strong emotions (definitely if it's after your first one) – and none should be left unaddressed.

 

 

OTHER USEFUL TIPS


 

  • It's okay to laugh
  • Stay open minded
  • It's okay to be nervous
  • Respect all parties involved
  • Make sure no one feels left out (no pairing off)
  • Don’t expect it to be like porn - nothing is like porn
  • Bring LOTS of condoms (more than you think you'll need)
  • Never have a threesome to keep your S.O "with you"
  • Use the opportunity as a bonding experience for you and your partner
  • Be prepared for clean up - having a mess, and being covered in one, is inevitable
  • If you're uncomfortable, don't "power through and finish"

 

And finally, if you don't like it, you don't have to ever do it again.

 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

 

Do you have any other useful tips for threesomes? Perhaps some great (even awkward) experiences. Share in the comments!

 

Also, if you're worried about your "skills", these articles might help:

 

 

Have a kinky day,

Robyn

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